blackandwhite

It never fails … This is possibly the 5th family gathering that I’ve attended since Kristy and I have gotten married. We’ve gone to my mom’s house for Thxgiving, her mom’s house for X-mas, her sisters house for other stuff, my folks (cousins) for other stuff … I mean, we do well when it comes to getting around family … I guess. I say “[it] never fails” b/c “ITs’” omnipresence always interrupts the normal course of activity of a family gathering for me. I’ll do my best to explain my thoughts with this one.

I remember when my wife and I were dating. We really didn’t go out a whole lot then. We really don’t go out alot now. We’ve always talked about lots of stuff though. Especially what we’d notice in people. Sometimes peoples differences make them seem so hypocritical in hindsight (not that my wife or myself are saints or scholars or nothin’, we’re regular folks). Most people are so simple that their words directly oppose their actions. I know that NONE of my relatives are true racists. Blacks can’t be. In the big scope of things, Blacks in the South Eastern region of the United States have never owned or controlled ANYTHING that determined whether a man could “work for comfortable wages”, “own a piece of property that was viable and productive”, “build companies”, “seek loans to build businesses”, “hire or fire workers at will”, “compete in free enterprise”, or “seek protection of any of the aforementioned”. Knowing such, in the ‘big’ scope of things … I feel supported by saying that ‘Blacks can’t be true racists’.

There are Blacks that still have some ‘hatred’ (it’s largely directed at the system of “exclusion” that was put in place before most of us were born … not to go on tangents, the “system of ‘exclusion’” is a term that fits for many reasons), but the hatred isn’t that of a true racist. For real, after living 40 years, it really seems no more to me than just Blacks being ‘haters’. A true racist wouldn’t eat in a restaurant with his familys table facing yours (or some other odd extremity). Sometimes there are only ‘moral’ lines that have to be crossed for the “racist” call to be made. I’ll explain that one too, but in another writing.

Anyway, we had another family event over the 4th of July weekend. My wife and I are 5 months into a pregnancy so she opted to stay home. I went on. I saw cousins that I had not seen in years, sat with them, laughed, ate, and caught up on past times. I wished that my wife had come but I couldn’t help thinkin’ that she decided otherwise due to the presence of “IT”.

We both have friends that are in interracial relationships and we laugh at the things that we find in common with them. It is important to me to see my wife open up and be the ‘girl’ that she is around my folks as she is me. Her character is beautiful, her jokes are on point (when she has them), and her demeanor is graceful (to me anyway). It drives me “nutz” when we’re together at my family functions and my wife acts/seems made to ‘look’ or ‘feel’ out of place or alone. It’s like she’s a statue of some sort that’s not to be ‘touched’ or ‘talked to’ … AND if I say something to family members in the attempt to spark conversation and association b/t my wife and other female family members … it could spell disaster. I don’t want family to think that I’m accusing them of being anti-social, and I don’t need my wife feeling that I think she’s the anti-social one.

I am smart enough to know that there are “looks” and “vibes” that people can give off that are not inviting, warming, or friendly … and when questioned on their demeanor at instance … they respond as though you’ve just offended them. I have family members like that too (now that I think about it).

I really don’t believe that there are racists in my family. There are people that really don’t understand people in my family though. I know that now. My wife’s family a little different … her mom was a ‘bridge’ for me to cross. She stated openly that she doubted we’d last 2 years. So much for that statement. I think it came from her not knowing her daughter and I had complimenting characters. When I’m with my wifes’ side, I really don’t feel the dividing “spirit” that seemingly keeps my wife seperate from other women in my family. I love my Mama’s family. That’s who I remember from childhood. I love, need, and want my wife though … we’re making a family to be remembered for generations to come too. Maybe that’s the only way to get rid of that everpresent, uneasy, discomforting, feeling of being ‘tolerated’ by others, better explained by simply being called “the presence of IT” …